Do you find that you ejaculate before you want to?
Does premature ejaculation affect your sexual performance and your relationships?
These are the kind of questions that a sex therapist will ask men who make contact complaining of premature ejaculation (PE).
PE is probably the most common sexual problem affecting men. It can occur at all ages. Most young men at the start of their sexual lives may experience ‘coming too quickly’; this is completely normal and not a cause for concern. Often this is to do with the excitement and maybe fear of new sexual experiences rather than a deeper problem. One way of coping is to practice using condoms when masturbating: this will help give confidence when one needs to use them with a partner – and of course that will help keep you and your partner ‘safe’.
PE can be something that a man has always experienced, it may occur occasionally over a long period of time, or it can be situational – for example if he is not enjoying the particular sexual experience or if he is feeling stressed.
One of the other questions that a sex therapist will ask is how long it takes from the time of penetration before ejaculation occurs: the technical term for this is intravaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT). Of course other factors need to be considered, as some women/men may find rapid ejaculation to be very sexually exciting.
Alas this is not always the case and many men find that premature ejaculation has caused distress and frustration with detrimental effect on their quality of life – and for some it even prevents them building long term intimate relationships.
What can be done about it?
Sex and relationship therapy can help, by identifying and resolving any underlying problems, and by teaching techniques such as the “squeeze technique” and the “stop–start method”. Both these techniques involve improving body-mind connections, a key factor in tackling PE. and working with you and your partner together in order to resolve the problem, the success rate is high.
In addition there are desensitizing sprays and certain drugs, which may help some people. To date there is no Viagra like drug for PE but research is being undertaken in this area.
Couples: Too Many Arguments in Your Relationship?
Couples: Too Many Arguments in Your Relationship?
Understand what arguing is about and get out of this habit
Do You………?
If you answered yes to any of these question the following may be of help to you…………..
This is based on the Drama Triangle, first described by Stephen Karpman in 1968. It is called the drama triangle because it is a common plot used in soap operas, films, etc. Very often wars, political issues and even some organisations are imbued with drama triangles.
They are ‘high energy’ psychological games where there are no winners. Such games are played by most people at some time or other – probably learned in childhood. It is important to recognise that they are played without conscious awareness, so one is not aware at the time that it is repeated behaviour. You could, if you so choose, not get into such behaviour – or decide when to get out of it.
There are 3 positions in the triangle, Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Those playing the game will switch from one position to another – sometimes with bewildering speed!
Everyone will have their favourite starting position, in which they do not necessarily stay for very long – before they switch to one of the other position
How to identify that you are in a drama triangle – and escape.
Roles in the Triangle
Victim:Those who favour the Victim position see themselves primarily as vulnerable, open to experience without pretence, with an inner availability to own their experience. So if you think you are in a game ask yourself if you are discounting your own ability to find a solution to the problem. Victims feel their own feelings.
Rescuer:Those who favour the Rescuer position see themselves as helpful, caring and get actively involved. So if you think you are in a game or will go into a game ask yourself if you are discounting the other person’s ability to think for themselves and use their own initiative. Rescuers need victims, as they find it difficult to feel their own feelings so need victims to feel through.
Persecutor: Those who favour Persecutor position see themselves primarily as assertive, perceptive and discriminating. So if you think you are in a game, or will be drawn into a game, ask yourself if you are discounting the fact that others have dignity and rights. Persecutors need victims to act out in order to get in touch with their own feelings.
Case Study Jack and Sarah
Sarah and Jack have been living together for three years, both have stressful jobs. Jack works from home as a freelancing graphic designer and Sarah works for a local insurance company. She is fed-up with her job, particularly her line manager, whom she believes to be incompetent. Sarah also believes that Jack isn’t doing enough house work especially as he is home all day.Despite their continual arguing both state that they love the other, sex is usually good,and they are beginning to talk about getting married and or having a child.
Both agree that the arguments need to stop and each is trying to do something about it.
Example of an argument.
Sarah: (Just arrived home late from work). I’ve had a terrible day; Julie (her line manager) has been a real incompetent bitch today, you would n’t believe what she did. I don’t know how much more I can take. FROM VICTIM POSITION
Jack:I don’t see why you can’t go and see her boss and tell him what’s happening.FROM RESCUER POSITION
Sarah:Who do you think you are always telling me what to do? You know that’s a really stupid thing to say. You are so inconsiderate. FROM PERSECUTOR POSITION
Jack: I was only trying to help. FROM VICTIM POSITION
Sarah: It’s alright for you, home all day messing about on your pc. FROM VICTIM and PERSECUTOR
JACK: (Shouting)Just open your eyes and look around this bloody flat, I have spent the last 4 hours cleaning the place, like you asked. Most of the mess was your bloody stuff. You never think of anyone else but yourself. FROM VICTIM andPERSECUTOR POSITION
This continues, on and on ……. until they both get physically and emotionally exhausted. Both now wonder why they ever decided to live together.Jack feels a knot in his stomach, Sarah has a headache.
And both of them are discounting.
Sarah is discounting that she has the ability to sort out her job situation as well as the ability to ask Jack for what she needs – which in this case was someone to just listen to her and not problem solve. Jack is discounting that he needs to explain to Sarah (not during an argument) the reality of working as a freelancer in a time of recession and how difficult he is finding it.
Both have discounted that they have stopped having fun, going out together and laughing together.
Some couples will be able to use the above analysis and example to address their own particular situation – as concerns drama-triangle arguments in their relationship. Good luck, and do feel free to let me know if this has been useful. However, if you need assistance with addressing the problem do come and see me. It’s often easier to resolve than you may think.
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